NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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