i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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