You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
