so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
