Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
