we're blogging at a bar
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
