I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
