As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
