Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
