Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
