This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
