you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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