if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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