We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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