I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
