i just wanna soil my oats bro
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
