I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
