Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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