wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
