I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
