We named our party play list daddy issues
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
