mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I AM VODKA MAN
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
