Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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