If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
