I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
