I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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