SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
