I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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