Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
