You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
