I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
