Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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