I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize