At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I love you.
Bad choice
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
