this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
