I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
