Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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