I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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