Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
