He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
