Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
BRING THE BAGELS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
