i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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