I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
