i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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