i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
did i just pee glitter
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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