I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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