Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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