he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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