so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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