But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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