I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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