note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
