Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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