i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
