Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
