I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
