Plan B is the new Plan A
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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