somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
