at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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