babies were throwing up all over the place
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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