why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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