Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
