My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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