Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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