So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
