I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Randomize
