Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
